i almost died .

soo i got my tonsils taken out on augusta 17tth and i fely hotrrible all last week and on tuesday after taking some pain meds i threw up---BLOOD . so my mama took me to the emergency room and i was sittn in there for 45 mins waiting...spitting up blood all the while until i have this feeling take over my throat like im gunna throw up everything i ate in the last ten years. so i get the nurse's attention and she says that the doctor will be with me "ina few moments" --well obviously i didnt have a few moments cuz right then i threw up tissue and large clots of blood .

they finally brought a wheelchair and took me back into the patient area so that they could get me on the bed and get my vitals and everything . the whole i time i feel as if i'm going to die . my mama had stepped out to get some fresh air so all this happened when i was lonesome....very much so . i felt as though i was on the brink of death .

i kept throwing up blood clots all the way up until my mama was located and came where i was breathing hard and long as if she was panicking herself--i think she was . sooo im still heeving away and finally the throwing up stops and now its just spitting . im spitting the blood out of my outh as the nurses try to find a vein and get some blood . i mean, there was a bucket full of blood i had thrown up right in front of me and they could've just scooped some outta there, but noooooo . they had to get it it from one of my tiney veins . i know this because everytime it came to finding a vein to draw blood from, it was difficult...even when i donated at skool....even when i just wentt o the doctor to get tested...so i KNEW that they were'nt gunna find a good vein . they tried for about an hour to find a vein until one of the nurses decided they would have to do an ABG .

for those who arent familiar with healthcare lingo, an ABG is when they get blood directly from your artery . its painful and the only thing that kept my mind off the pain wasn't my mama'snervous voice, or the doctor tlking about what went wrong with my tonsilectomy, but the ONLY thing that kept my mind off the pain was the realization that I COULD DIE . if i threw up too much blood, then a R.I.P could be in order and i'm a lover and a fighter. i wasnt gunna just die . i was afraid...im not gunna sit here and say i wasnt cuz i was . very much so .

so after they finally got the blood the doctor told me they would have o go back into my throat at cauterixe the stubs that used to be my tonsils so that the bleeding would stop.....


to make a long story shorter, they did it and im alive . i wrote =this just to let everyone who takes the time to read this knw, that if i NEVER cherished my life before...i TRULY CHERISH it now....i suggest you do the sme .


-essence .

i have a feeling this post is gunna be a lil longg so BARE WITH ME . omfg.

so lately, my mama has made me realize three things:

--just cuz she's yur mama dnt mean that yu can trust everything she says
ELABORATION: i am my mama's ONLY fckn child and i am now grown so i figure that she could be honest with me and i could be honest with her....nope. she is still stck on that petty 'im yur mama not yur friend' shit . but what she doesnt realize is SHE IS NO LONGER RAISING ME . in reality, as children, our parents sop raising us as soon as we gain our own thoughts, ideas, and mannerisms....i can say my thoughts and opinios bcame truly formed when i was 17 . sooo she doesnt really realize that idk . sooo she lies to me and i know it, but i dnt mind...but when it comes to medical shit, i really do care ! thats my mama ! sooo she lied about a medical something that i dnt wanna discuss that coulda possible been life threatening . what would it look like if something woulda happened and im mal-informed...ugh .


--there's only one person you can truly trust with situations--YOURSELF.
ELABORATION: my mama doesnt undertsand that I DNT FEEL LIKE I NEED TO LIE ABOUT SHIT ANYMORE...why ? im grown . the only people i fear at this point is the police....i cnt get grounded...she cnt whoop me....so what ?! what do i have to fear from telling my mama the truth about everything . i have nothing to loose but everything to gain .



--sometimes you cant please the person you should want to please the most .
ELABORATION : im tired of tryna please her . she's VERY hard to please and i feel if i continue to just try to please her then i wont please myself in the end.


so prayy fro me ! ohh and im gettn my tonsils taken out monday .

--essence .

gettn grown .

sooo lately i been meeting a lot of new ppl and shit, realizing there's definitley life beyond high school.

i mean when yu in high school yur eyes are sort of shaded and shitt...so its great being grown and seein past all that bullshit .

sooo yeahh . got a new tatt .
http://twitpic.com/d2q9a [click there to see it]


yepp so i been doingg my thangg . looking for another job....jc penney is overrated .

love me .

-essence .

my sidekick :)

so here's my info "

TMAIL >>> missconceitedd@tmail.com

GMAIL>>> missconceitedd@gmail.com

yahoo messenger>>> gawgapeach