omfgg !

soooo i went to see my recruiter on monday && i LOST AN INCH !!! yess ! im soo excited about that. soo just 2 more to go now ppl ! hellyesss !

so i found a great wayy to achieve this...im gunna be sauna sweating ! im wrapping my stomack with serran wrap [which targets direct fat] && im sittn in there for 20 minutes a dayy . so yeahh that should also help with my diet && my excercise routine...im mean, it should COMPLEMENT it. yeahh .

and as far as my mama && my decision to go into the navy, she's 100 percent behind me which makes me wanna go forward with this even more. im her only child && even tho she can really piss me off soooo bad, i still want her to be PROUD of her one and only. so yeaah .

&& im starting to shee my stomach tighten && shrinnk ! its greaat .


-essence.

wake me up when september ends .

im listening to the song so thats why i wantrd it as my title * && bc it has so much meaning behind it...ohh the lyrics describe the part of my life im going thru now...
"here comes the rain againfalling from the starsdrenched in my pain againbecoming whowe areas my memory restsbut never forgets what I lostwake me up when September endssummer has come and passedthe innocent can never lastwake me up when September endsring out the bells againlike we did when spring beganwake me up when September ends"

so yeahh ; but basically for an UPDATE . I LOST AN INCH !!!!! yeeppp ! && finally me && my mama are on the same damn page about everything coming up in my life ! i cnt wait to go into the navy really...like i feel like i need something to turn my life around.

not neccessarily CHANGE it but turn it around so that i can have FULL control of everything ; right now i just feel like im floating out here with nothing to really 'live for' . cccrrrrraaazzzyyy .

haha . i miss a certain somebody who i really care about--but my best friend [tanisha] told me "i deserve better" . but i know what my heart feels && i feel like no one really knows what i deserve. hell, i deserve to be HAPPY .

period .


-essence .

well i took my ASVAB todayy && i did veeeerrrry well ; now all i have to do is lose weight--ugh, but i knew that . not even WEIGHT ; more like 4 inches in my waist && 2 off my hips...yepp.

its funnt how much 4 inches means to me right now...imma be hitting up the gym like a excercise addict the next couple weeks....then i'll be reeeaaaaddddy ! yay .

my mama has made me hit thee fckn roof todayy--tired of her shit &&b once again i wanna LEAVE . but imma hold out till i sign my contraact in august :))


-essence ,

my life is moving .

so0ooo-- i went to see my recruiter man todayy && i take the big ASVAB on thursdayy . im pretty excited && just talking to my cheif sergent got me ready to get the fck outta GA && the south in general .

gotta get outta this sudden pause . mannnnn, it feels like im inthe same spot i was 3 months ago ; ugh . so0 annoyiing, but i guess progress is sometimes sloooow .

but life will go on ; as far as the relationship tip--i doubt i will have one for a loooong time . i want one person that i cnt have && for that reason, i dnt want ANYONE else . period.


-essence.

this piping silence . [original poem]

i sit here begging my conscience for a drink
so i cant think
about this
about YOU--true..
you weren't completely mine
but in time maybe
maybe we would be--
thats all i came up with in this
PIPING loud silence
shut up silence !
stop telling me what i already know
i know--i love him .
is that so much ?
no--the silence is still so loud
im begging my conscience again
for a smoke
for a drink
so i can't think--
about this overwhelmingly loud silence
stop silence !
i already know im lonely .

-essence .

whats wrong with me.

i dont deserve to be happy? fr once or twice .
am i too...imperfect for LOVE--FOR ANYTHING?
am i just a reject. why ?
am i not pretty enough--or do i not smile enough ?
AM I NOT ENOUGH ?
what is enough .
i just lost something close to my heart ;
how can i show God that...there's nothing wrng wid me ?



-essence.